What to Do If a Friend Confides in You About Self-Harm

If a friend tells you they’ve been hurting themselves, it can feel scary and overwhelming. You might not know what to say or do — but the fact that they opened up to you means they trust you. You can be an important first step toward them getting help.

1. Stay Calm and Listen

Your first reaction matters. Take a deep breath, listen without interrupting, and try not to show shock or judgement. Phrases like:

• “Thank you for telling me.”

• “I’m here for you.” can help them feel heard and supported.

2. Don’t Promise to Keep It a Secret

You might want to protect their trust, but self-harm is a serious safety issue. If someone is hurting themselves, an adult or professional needs to know so they can get proper support.

3. Encourage Them to Get Help

Suggest talking to:

• A school counsellor

• A teacher they trust

• A doctor or mental health professional Offer to go with them if they feel nervous.

4. Focus on Understanding, Not Fixing

Avoid saying things like “You just need to cheer up” or “Why would you do that?” Instead, ask gentle questions like:

• “What’s been going on for you lately?”

• “What helps you when you feel like this?”

5. Check In Regularly

Even after they’ve sought help, keep showing up for them with messages, small acts of kindness, or invitations to spend time together.

6. Look After Yourself Too

Supporting someone in crisis can be emotionally heavy. Make sure you also talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling.

If You’re in New Zealand

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 111 . For free, confidential support, call or text 1737 any time.

The Bottom Line

You don’t need to have all the answers. What matters most is that you listen, care, and help connect your friend to the people who can give them the support they need.